


I Will Be

by GeekyGirlfriends



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: The Next Generation
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Canon, F/M, Headcanon, LGBTQ Character, Other, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, Transgender
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-30
Updated: 2015-02-17
Packaged: 2018-03-09 15:34:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3255011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GeekyGirlfriends/pseuds/GeekyGirlfriends
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There is a big difference between Winona Riker, the impossible and strange child with a fascination for outer space, and William Riker, the big, tough manly man that Winona would someday become. After deciding that going by a girl's name would no longer work, 'Winona', now Will, must take transitioning into his own hands. On his journey, Will seeks out his own definition of what a man is and how to feel secure and confident in his manhood.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Winona

**Author's Note:**

> This is all based off of headcanon.

A child looked curiously at a ship. Not a real starship of course, but a miniature toy version of one, the real version of it being far away, up in space, where this child hoped to one day be. With paper and markers nearby, the child tried to draw the ship on the paper. Every ship needed a captain--this child found, coming to the surface, a desire to be that captain, or at least a member of the ship's crew. For this young child, just drawing someone for this ship wasn't enough, and the question arose: what might someone on this ship look like, and was it possible to become such a person for real?

The child’s father looked curiously down at his little girl, wondering what she was doing this time. He was so used to seeing his little one showing a fascination in space travel and ships and captains. Maybe there was some promise in the future.

“What're you drawing, Winona?”

The young 'captain' held up the piece of paper, showing a drawing of a ship. It was difficult to tell what the drawing was supposed to be, but some parts of it resembled the toy model of the ship.

“A ship,” the little one said with a smile.

The man gave his Winona a small smile. “Do you want to ride on a starship one day?”

The child laughed and nodded rapidly, with a glowingly excited face.

“I'm gonna be a Starfleet cadet!”

“Okay, but you're going to have to get big and strong to do that,” he said, smiling kindly.

Big and strong. What was big and strong? How could someone get big and strong? The child had seen plenty of big strong men with... with rugged beards, of course. And so the child drew one, but not on the paper. Soft, peachy skin soon had black scribbles above little pink lips, on a tiny little chin, to match soft dark hair.

He laughed. Winona truly was a funny kid. “What're you doing?” he asked, his attention definitely grabbed.

“I got a beard! Now I can be tough!”

“You going to be a tough Starfleet cadet?”

“Yeah!”

“Okay, now let's go get that washed off your face.”

“Nooooo! This is my beard!”

“C'mon, it's marker, Winona. You can be big and strong without it.”

“But I want to have one. . . All the strong guys have them.”

“Well, you're not a guy, Winona.”

Knowing only a very little bit about the concept of gender due such a young age and lack of knowledge, Winona simply replied, “Oh. . .”

“Now, why don't you let me wash that stuff off?” he said, not yet very much phased by his child’s strange behavior.

“Okay. . .” The child's blue eyes lost the bright excitement they held moments ago, and in that excitement's place came disappointment. He led Winona to the bathroom and gently scrubbed the marker off her face. As the sink filled with water and the remnants of black ink, Winona plotted for next time, when hopefully that thick, full beard might stay a little longer.

He set Winona back down on the ground. “There, now you can get back to playing.”

The child eagerly ran back to the ship and the drawings, eager to imagine further what it might be like up in space, being part of a starship’s crew, or even being the captain. Still, another thought attacked the mental images of sleek ships and strong captains and unusual aliens. Winona’s father followed her out of the bathroom but went to the computer terminal and worked on something or another, probably another grown-up thing that Winona wouldn’t understand.

Quietly, distractedly playing, Winona wondered: what made a guy and a girl different? Hadn't the grown-ups always said that anyone could be anything, and that anything was possible?


	2. New Clothes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kyle Riker takes Winona clothes shopping much to her displeasure.

At eight years old, Winona was stuck shopping for clothes, probably the least favorite activity the child could think of at that time. Winona always had to try on dresses and skirts and shoes with tiny little straps and gaudy sparkles.

 

None of it ever seemed to feel right

 

“I don't like any of these colors, Dad. And I hate wearing skirts,” she protested as she stood in front of her father who was holding up several articles of clothing that all looked dreadfully frilly and atrociously pink in Winona’s eyes. She pined for something that did not have any kind of intensely superfluous frills or shams. Something she could play rough in without getting yelled at. Something that she actually felt good in.

 

“Fine, then go pick out something you do like,” he said offhandedly, somewhat frustrated with his child's pickiness when it came to clothing.

 

Winona walked away, and came back with some clothes from another nearby section. The clothes were a lot better, much different from the ones her father had picked out for her. While they were all pink and purple with ruffles and ribbons and all of the unnecessary embellishments that got in the way, the clothes Winona held in her hands were more neutral colors--grays and browns and navy blues--and they were quite simple, and looked easy to put on and take off. Picking up a pair of gray pants and a dark blue sweater, Winona returned to that frilly pink section she had left her father in.

 

“These are nice,” Winona said, the dark, simple clothes laying flat in the growing child's arms.

 

“Fine,” he said before taking Winona to the front of the store. He bought the clothes in silence while a nagging fear played in the back of his mind. He was aware there was a slight chance that Winona might be transgender or some other gender identity but he could not bare the thought of it. To see his little girl, who looked so much like his dead wife, growing into anything but a young lady just tore at his heart.

 

He would have argued with her, asking if she at least wanted one dress or skirt, but every time he took her shopping for clothes it was a constant fight and he was just glad they had managed to find anything for her to wear at all.

 

Winona smiled. Another battle had been won.

 


	3. Health Class

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will learns what it means to be transgender.

A gym teacher stood at the front of the class dressed casual workout attire, about to begin teaching her health class. She wrote on the board: "Today's Topic: Transgender". She turned to the class and began speaking. “Today we're going to be talking about what it means to be transgender as well as several other gender identities. But first, can anyone here tell me what it means to be transgender?”

 

One boy in front raised his hand and the teacher pointed to him. he said, to the best ability a sixth grader could, “It means when you're a girl but you feel like a boy or when you're a boy and you feel like a girl.”

 

With a nod, the teacher said, “Well put.”

 

Winona's interest was caught by this statement. Usually she was not one to pay attention in health class, but this was definitely worth listening to, and so she started paying closer attention.

 

The teacher went on, “Just as he said, a transgender person is someone who feels like they're the gender opposite to what they are biologically. For instance, if you were born a boy but don't feel right in the body you were born with you might find that you're transgender or one of the many other gender identities we're going to discus today. And, you have to understand that no one chooses to be transgender, it's just how they were born. And if any of you feel that you may be transgender there are operations that will allow you to transition to the gender you are up here,” she said, tapping her temple.

 

Winona paid close attention, not saying anything, hoping the other students would ask plenty of questions. A girl next to Winona raised her hand and asked, “What are the operations like?”

 

The teacher answered, “Good question. They're somewhat complex from my understanding but they're nothing like the barbaric things that were done hundreds of years ago. They come in three steps, hormone correction, top surgery, and bottom surgery. Hormone correction corrects the hormone levels in your body. For instance, if you were say a trans man, that is a man who was biologically born a woman, they would correct your hormone output to reduce estrogen and heighten testosterone. Then the top and bottom surgeries are corrective procedures. In the case of a trans man the breasts would be removed and the vagina would become a penis. As well, new reproductive organs would be formed with the taking of a simple pill, which centuries ago, would not have been possible.”

 

Winona’s curiosity and interest beat out the desire to stay quiet and she raised her hand. “So no one is stuck with a gender they're not happy with?”

 

“Exactly,” she responded. “Anyone can be whatever gender they feel most comfortable as.”

 

“Why haven't I heard about this yet?”

 

“I don't know, usually you guys here it form your parents or peers before you even hear me talk about.” Most of the class nodded in agreement. They were living in such a progressive time, yet somehow Winona had never before heard about such a type of person.

 

“I never did.” She looked somewhat puzzled.

 

“Well, you're learning about it now. Better late than never.”

 

“Are there more than two genders?”

 

“Yes, that's what I was just about to get into. People choose many different ways of identifying themselves. Some people consider themselves agender or without gender, others maybe feel like they're one gender at one time and another at another time - gender fluid. And some feel that they aren't any specific gender ever or that they're somewhere in between male and female. They might describe themselves as genderqueer or another term.”

 

“Can people pick new names?”

 

“Of course, they can have whatever name they feel most comfortable with.”

 

“And if someone found out they were really a boy, could they call themself 'him' and 'he'?”

 

“Yes, even if that person hadn't transitioned yet they would still be called ‘he’ and ‘him’ because they are a boy despite their biology.”

 

“So... it doesn't matter if they don't even look like a boy?”

 

“Yeah, exactly.”

 

And so the newly discovered boy didn't ask anymore questions for the rest of class, already knowing what he needed to for now, too distracted with thoughts of new names he could call himself--after all, Winona was no name for the kind of person he knew he was. The teacher continued to talk until class was over and a bell dismissed the children.

 

And so, the boy who now knew he really was a boy left the classroom, deciding that the name Will would do nicely. 

 


	4. Acceptance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will comes out to his friends.

Will sat at his usual table during lunch with the few boys he called his friends, looking somewhat preoccupied with thought. One of the boys, Keith, looked at Will and said, “Hey, Winona, you haven't said anything. Is there something wrong?”

 

“There's just something I'm thinking about,” Will said before continuing with, “it's kind of really confusing.”

 

Keith said, with a bit of concern in his voice, “Well, what is it? Maybe I can help.”

 

“Remember that time in health when we were talking about transgender people?” Will said, almost hoping his friend would infer what he was about to say.

 

He had some idea what his friend might be talking about but did not want to assume and replied, “Yeah?”

 

The one corner of his mouth pulled up with some chagrin. “Well, I've thought a lot about it and I'm pretty sure that I'm really a boy.”

 

Keith’s eyes lit up. “Really? That's pretty cool. You know, you always kind of acted like a boy.”

 

Riker looked down, somewhat at a loss. “Yeah, I know. My dad never liked it that much.”

 

“Oh, that sucks. . . .” Keith said, not quite knowing how to help his friend. He added to maybe give Will a bit of reassurance, “You'd make a great boy.

 

With some hesitation Will asked,“Well, do you think I should try to be one?” He speculated, “Maybe I could just be a boy anyway, even though my dad doesn't like it.”

 

“Yeah, sure,” Keith insisted. “Like, if you think you're a boy then why does what your dad think matter?”

 

Will sighed and pointed out, “I look like my mom so he doesn't want me to change anything. It's kind of like I don't get to choose.” He bore a sour expression across his young face.

 

“But you should get to choose, it's your life,” Keith said adamantly.

 

“Yeah, I know...” he sighed. “Could you guys call me Will from now on?” he asked the entire lunch table.

 

“Yeah,” said Keith while all the other boys at the table nodded in agreement and murmured similar things akin to acceptance.

 

One of the other boys put in, “You know, I kind of always thought you looked like a Will.” Some of the others laughed and said that maybe Will would grow up to be Shakespeare.

 

Keith smiled at this and clapped Will on the shoulder, “Why don't we just not tell your dad for a while and like you can just be who you are here or when you're hanging out with us?”

 

Will nodded, “Yeah, that sounds good.”

 

In the acceptance of the who he really was by his friends Will saw that while the future was uncertain it was undoubtedly bright compared to what lay behind him.


	5. Family Meal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Will's coming out goes worse than expected.

Will quietly sat down at the table, having just made dinner, leaving some for his father to have when he was ready. This was how evenings were in his house, for the most part; it was just the two of them and their relationship was so strained that Will often had to take it upon himself to cook, or else it wouldn’t get done. It hardly ever felt like a ‘family meal’.  
Kyle walked in and took his seat at the table and quietly began to eat his dinner, avoiding conversation. They would often go through meals without saying a word to each other or even looking at each other. There was always a force between them stopping interaction. Still, William wanted to see if he could stop that force, even for a minute. Maybe if they were to communicate a little it would break down that wall. Without looking up from his plate, more pushing his food around with his fork than actually eating it, he quietly asked, “Why didn't you ever tell me what a transgender person was?”  
The shocked father dropped his fork and immediately looked up at his supposed daughter and answered lamely, “. . . I thought you knew.” Will looked at him with a hint of annoyance, not exactly buying this.  
“Oh. I see. Not sure how else I could have known about it, but alright.”  
“You know about it now, though. Don't you?”  
“Yeah, I do now, but I wish I knew about it sooner. Then I wouldn’t have had such a confusing time growing up. Listen... I'm not who you think I am, dad. I'm not a girl. Can you see that?”  
His face started to grow red, his mouth a hard line. still, he was quiet, silently praying this conversation would die down if he pretended it wasn’t happening. But still, against his wishes, his son kept speaking.  
“You knew all along, didn't you?”  
Trying his best to stay calm, he thought over something he could say, anything, anything that could bring his little girl back, anything to get through to his child. Though when his wife died Kyle Riker felt he could withstand anything, for some reason he couldn’t take this. It was like drowning, drowning, suffocating in the thought of his daughter becoming his son, dying from the impact of the realization that he never even had a daughter, that the possibility of his little girl growing up to be just like his wife never even existed. Winona had never existed. It had always been William. And he couldn’t stand that; he wouldn’t even try.  
“You just didn't want me to figure it out.”  
He remained painfully quiet before he abruptly stood up and stormed out yelling, “Be a man if you want then, I can't take this.”  
And so his son yelled after him, “Fine! Just go, I don't need you anyway!”  
Kyle walked out into the dark forest so no one could see the tears he would cry for the facade of the daughter he had lost, and the last bit of his wife that had faded. All in all, it was not about having a son instead of a daughter, or about an outmoded belief. It was an anger with the world, a disappointment in fate, a misdirected frustration that he knew he would never be able to drop, not even if he could try.  
Will left the table, tossing the chair to the side, totally losing all desire to eat anything. There was no communication. There was no chance he could fix things, there was no chance he would get his father to understand. There was no way he could be happy when he and his only family seemed to be speaking different languages.


End file.
